I write about love often and would categorize myself as a “hopeless romantic.” It may be assumed that I fall in love quickly and often.
This is not the case for me. I very rarely feel something for someone, and even more rarely do I fall deeply for someone. I am typically very bored by and uninterested in most people, especially men. Past crushes have always been very fleeting and meaningless: unfamiliar men at the grocery store, cute guys in class, random men on the street that I walk by every day—meaningless crushes.
Because I feel for people so rarely, more often than not, I have had the thought that I am possibly incapable of loving. It seems so easy for other people to find someone that they really like and enjoy, but I find myself always feeling like there is something missing. I’ve thought that there must surely be something wrong with me because it can’t be this difficult to feel chemistry and connection with another person. But most connections fall flat and don’t go past basic attraction and simple commonalities.
But when I do feel for someone, my whole world shifts. The universe tilts on its axis, and suddenly I am in a free fall with no sight of the ground. It’s exciting, exhilarating, and addicting. They consume my very being. They haunt my dreams. Every thought leads back to them.
And surprisingly enough, coming from a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, I absolutely hate it. It is overwhelming to feel so much for one person, to have my mood controlled by their actions. Counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until I can see them again. My very being calls out to them. My body craves their touch. My ears are desperate to hear the sound of their voice. My soul is in need of their presence. And there is a desperate need to experience them in every way possible.
And I’d love to say that I am above this, that I am able to detach in a way that I do not let a man affect how I feel so much that it alters my days, but that is simply not the truth. The only time I have been detached and cool and aloof has been with men I didn’t truly feel deeply for.
This is all to say, I don’t fall in love lightly. Often, I think falling for someone may just be bad for my health. I hate the idea that someone can have such a profound impact on me and that, at any moment, they can completely alter my world by saying or not saying a few words. Constantly checking your phone to see if they texted; seeing if they watched your story; feeling like you need to hold back how deeply you feel for them so as not to scare them away. It is absolutely exhausting.
I cannot love casually and I am almost incapable of not having it consume me. If this is the case, why prioritize it at all? Does it make more sense for me to fill my life with platonic and familial love? A life of travel and study? A life decentered from romantic love?
This is not to say I will stop desiring love entirely. Unfortunately, I don’t think I am capable of doing that. But I fear I must avoid love. I must determine what matters more to me: love or peace?
Crying over this bc it so deeply resonates. I am a lover girl through and through but I hate being in love because it leaves me so vulnerable and lost in their existence.
I feel like I can only “love” men who are inaccessible because I put them on a pedestal and think so highly of them