women saved me

Although the intimacy you experience in romantic relationships is special and unique, there is something about the intimacy you experience in friendships and in community with other women. These women are given the opportunity to see your soul in ways a man may never be able to. Women—our souls are made up of the same matter. The oneness we experience with one another is all-encompassing and all-consuming.

It’s a different kind of love. When this love is wounded, it causes you to lean on romantic relationships, even if they hurt you, because they don’t force you to confront reality. You cannot hide with women. They see you, and they see through you. It’s an incredibly vulnerable position to be in.

I think this is why I spent so long running from my friendships. I didn’t realize this until recently, but I had been pushing away everyone who had been attempting to create a relationship with me. I would cry and wonder why I felt so alone, why I felt I lacked a community, and why it seemed so easy for everyone else to have strong female friendships—until I took a look in the mirror and realized it was all me.

I spent so long running from myself that I didn’t realize it caused me to run from others—others who only wanted to love me and bring me closer. I deeply craved someone who would be curious about me, yet I saw their probing questions as a threat rather than an attempt at intimacy.

I didn’t want to be held accountable. I didn’t want to change my behavior. I didn’t want to be forced to stop running and finally plant my feet firmly on the ground. I didn’t want to be seen because I was afraid all they would see was the ugliness inside of me. I assumed I would be rejected and discarded like I had been before.

You can imagine my surprise when they all welcomed my quirks and odd behavior with warm embraces. They listen to my long ramblings—every single word. They love my crazy, imaginative brain. They admire my differences in opinion. They’ve opened the world up for me in ways I didn’t know were possible. They saved me.

I used to drown in the mess of complicated familial relationships and toxic situationships, feeling as if I had to face them on my own. I thought it would make me weak to allow others to see the scratches on the wall and the dirt on my shoes. But instead, they let me see the monsters in their closet in return.

I had experienced deep trauma when it came to my friendships with women. I didn’t truly grasp the depth of that pain. When you spend years loving people who only seem to want to hurt you, reject you, and discard you—making you feel undeserving of love and friendship—you subconsciously internalize that. I thought I had healed from this because so much time had passed, but I still feel the subtle sting of their words in my heart.

My trauma had caused me to push so many people away. I made myself feel alone and as if I had no one, when in reality, I had everyone. They were all waiting for me to open the door.