am i special?

I’ve been grieving the loss of a soulmate. I lost my best friend. At least, I think I did.

I understand that in your twenties, friendships shift and sometimes even fade away, but I never thought that this would be the case for us.

We were supposed to be entering our 10th year of friendship, but now our friendship seems to live in a graveyard of what could have been. I think about our many never-ending conversations about spirituality, health, love, friendship, our hopes, and dreams. The way it felt like we read each other’s minds. Constantly in sync to the point where our cycles quite literally synced up. The beach house we were planning on spending our summers at with our future children and husbands. The double dates and vacations we dreamt about. We laughed together. We cried together. While boyfriends, friends, and jobs came and went, we were the constants in each other’s life. It felt like we were each other’s person. She was my soulmate. And now we exist in this gray area.

I’ve seen this happen to others in her life. They were so intricately linked until they too eventually became nothing. And for some reason, I thought I was immune to this.

I’m now coming to realize that this is a trend in my life. I assume that I am special to people. I assume that they would never hurt me because we have a “special connection.” I believe that we have a bond like no others, and because of this, I am not like everyone else; I am not deserving of their mistreatment or abandonment. I assume what has happened to others will not happen to me.

Part of the reason this happens is because I get consumed by people. I am absolutely enamored by them. My heart warms and my chest expands, and I want to be filled by their radiant light. Unfortunately, I am barely a flicker in a bulb for them. It is a consistent pattern in my life, falling for people who will never see me.

I spend so much time trying to convince them of my value by putting them on a pedestal. I do everything in my power to make them see that I am good. I try to prove that I’m not only a good friend or a good lover, but I’m the best friend and the best lover.

What’s even more unfortunate is that I am never picked. It’s never enough, and they always leave. I go above and beyond for people who give me crumbs, and it’s honestly embarrassing.

Eventually, they walk away because it’s exhausting and too much effort. They leave, and I am crushed, and they never think of me again. I am just a blip in their story, meanwhile, they have shifted my center of gravity.

What’s even more heartbreaking about losing my best friend is that there was no falling out. There was nothing that happened that triggered the end of our friendship. As our friendship slowly dissipated, while I, of course, was in denial, I asked if there was anything wrong, if there was something that I did. But there was nothing. It’s difficult because it meant everything to me, and now there is a shadow of what was supposed to be a best friend. And they are not easy to replace.

I now have to grapple with the reality that I possibly overinflated my importance in her life, as I have done with others before, which causes me to wonder…

Am I special?